Porn. At the drop of the word and you can see wicked grins written on some faces while on others, a rosy blush. There are people who think porn is evil, while some others think it’s one of the greatest invention since the wheel.
Like it or not (can’t think of a reason why you wouldn’t though), porn has been a part of our lives since the existence of mass printers. So when touching on the topic of sex, we can all safely assume that the juicier it is, the better for the gleeful readers. So I’ll keep my satirical piece hot, wet and scandalous and pray that Ibiit Ali will not be launching a crusade against porn anytime soon.
I’ve always wanted to do a piece on Malaysian politics for my inaugural article on Loyarburok.com. It seems fate can be naughty at times, and on the week that I found my muse, the theme is the "Porn Week". I gave it a little thought, tickled my memory about the porn stash that I’ve witnessed, and realized the really glaring similarities between Malaysia politics, politicians and porn.
So here’s the list, down and dirty style.
1. Porn is popular
Just do a Google search on "Sex" and you’ll see what I mean (2,090,000,000 results, last check). Well, Malaysian politics aren’t popular per se, seeing that there are still Malaysians who think Dr Mahathir is still the PM. But porn makes Malaysian politicians instant superstars.
Take our ex-Health Minister Dr. Chua Soi Lek for example. He was the then Vice President of Malaysian Chinese Association (MCA), a component party of the ruling Coalition when a video of his 56 minute sex extravaganza was posted for all and sundry on the Internet.
It was rumored that the 64 yr old man’s performances had put young studs to shame, and then some. And in the next party election, he was promptly elected as the President of the MCA.
Amazing wonders that porn does to a man’s political career in Malaysia, yes?
2. Porn is dirty
They say sex is only dirty when done right. Who wants to watch fully clothed, censored porn anyway? I mean, I know some like their sado-fetish porn in really outlandish fashion, but that’s a story for another day.
Generally, we all want our porn naughty and downright wicked!
Of course, we wouldn’t want our politicians with the same traits, but unfortunately some are just that, and much worse.
We have parties using all sorts of means to win an election and the public perception war. Instead of shoring up support with clean and good governance preaching, they tried smear the opposing members with more smut than Hefner’s magazines.
They cooked up mind boggling sodomy cases against their opponents, tainted DNA samples from possibly multiple men, prejudicial judges and complete the list of dirties with a witness who did not pass his stool for 2 days in order to "preserve evidence".
The same powers that be drew election boundaries to make sure that even though the opposition wins the majority of the popular votes, gerrymandering will ensure that they still do not form the government. This is as dirty as it gets.
Next, we have politicians misusing the police, RELA (Volunteer Corp) and Election Commission to do their dirty biddings. The former is used to harass politicians, the other as a potential vote bank, while the latter acts as one of the component parties. Let’s not even get into the other orgy team members of MACC (Anti Corruption Commission), Judiciary and JKKK heads, or this article is going to be too dirty to be published.
3. Gangbang
Which porn movie is complete without the customary gangbang? Nipporn, Korean porn, Western Porn… aside from the sex, the only other similarity is the existence of the gangbang scene. More often than not, you get to see multiple men ganging up on one poor girl or another, huffing and puffing away happily.
Occasionally, you do see multiple hotties doing the reverse gang up on some lucky hunk, but let’s not get into that either.
Malaysian politicians love their gangbangs too, almost to the dot.
When they set their sights on an unfortunate target, they do it from multiple angles. They smear you with a sham court trial, get MACC to investigate your poor mates on imagined charges (sometimes resulting in death with open verdict), release a porn video they claim is you, and then top it all up with the traditional racist attack, like cow heads, pig heads and recently, can you believe, a religious crusade. Oh, yes and the mainstream media will help them flame this up to a real frenzy of orgasms among the crazies, completing a spectacular gangbang show that had put Annabel Chong’s quest to shame.
4. Porn is corrupted
Nobody can deny that porn contains actions and elements that we don’t even do in real life, even within the confines of our bedroom. For the sake of entertainment and drama, porn scenes are propped up with gears, vibration gadgets, latex attires and other unmentionable equipment (since I honestly don’t know the terms for them).
Some may call these deviant porn, fetish porn or in some Asian countries, idol porn. For the sake of easy understanding, let’s just call these derivatives a corrupted version of normal porn. And they are abundant, mind you.
Corrupted derivatives of politicians are aplenty in Malaysia too. Among the more infamous cases, RM 500 million for the purchase of submarines that would not dive, jet engines that flew themselves to South America*, a shipping port that costs 5 times over budget, among others.
There are other types of corruption too, especially in elections. Like in the recent Sarawak state election, you get to see a spectacular show of helicopters and long boats ferrying moneymen and their bags of goodies into the interiors to grease the poverty-stricken folks in the longhouses. Apparently, they issued bounced cheques too this time around.
Of course, we all know how their deviant party elections are like: An orgy of money floating in, out and everywhere buying up divisional votes in exchange for nominations. If this isn’t corrupted madness that’s almost porn-like, I don’t know what is.
Indeed, just like deviant porn may be corruption to some, to others it’s a work of art. So our typical politicians just called their works of art "commission", "money politics" and "sumbangan ikhlas".
*Ok for the record, the jet engines did not fly to South America by themselves. That was a joke.
The 2-tonne engines were in fact carried by a staff sergeant all the way from the gates of the Malaysian Air Force base to South America on his shoulders..
5. Size matters
In porn, we all want the longest, thickest, biggest and perkiest. Most audiences would also want the wettest, loudest, the first to come out with more extreme acts and whatnots. That’s fair and fine in pornography, but the problem is Malaysian politicians want the exact same things.
We have the world’s tallest shaft (okay, now the world’s tallest twin shafts) sitting pretty beside Jalan Ampang. We have the country’s first space tourist attempting to make roti canai in the cosmos, the biggest (and most deserted) Airport in South East Asia, the world’s largest and probably only Multimedia Super Corridor. If one of our ex prime ministers had his way we would also have the world’s first, only and biggest laughing stock, a crooked bridge all the way to Singapore.
Of more recent memory, somebody up there wanted a 100-story tower too. Now that’s a really big, long hard and insanely expensive rod.
The best part about the politicians’ wishes and demands? The rakyat’s footing the bill, so they can keep building bigger, longer and stiffer dongs, no worries…
6. Pet Names
Porn stars love giving pet names to themselves andin local term, it’s called nama glamor. Among the top porn stars, we have Johnny Longsocks, Gina Ryder, Cherry Poppens, Connie Lingus, Flick Shagwell, Summer Cummings and Honey Wilder, to name a few.
Malaysian politicians (or their spouses) have nama-glamors too… Recently somebody named herself FLOM.. short for First Lady Of Malaysia. Most citizens would be able to tell you that no such title exists in official capacity, so it must be a self declared title. Okay, that was another joke. Her official title is actually the Jet-Setting Foreign Minister of Malaysia.
Some less fortunate politicians do not get to choose the titles. Usually it’s their loose mouths and limited intelligence that did the job for them. We have the sexist extraordinaire Bocor Member of Parliament (MP) when he ridiculed another fellow MP about having menstrual cycles. Next the One Eyed Jack title was unceremoniously bestowed upon another MP when he instructed customs officials to close one eye to a questionable shipment.
For one rather loud mouthed minister (today he’s a de facto minister of shooting from the hip), the rather uncomplimentary Taxi Minister name stuck with him ever since his early days of issuing taxi permits. Another minister befitting of this article is the Erection Minister, where he announced to the world on Al Jazeera that Malaysia holds erections once every 5 years, when he was still the then Information Minister.
In a tits for tat move, politicians too like to brand the very rakyat they are supposed to serve with names. They call the citizens Pendatangs (that means immigrants), Cinabengs, "Unclean Chinese" and pariahs.
The list would do no justice without the honorable mention of the famous man more popularly known as "Mamak Bendahara". Everybody knew who he is and his lineage, except for maybe his own party members.
7. Porn Lies
We all know this to be true. It’s a generally accepted fact among females that most men can’t perform longer than 20 minutes, and you’d be striking gold if you can wring an additional ten from your guy. In porn movies, the men could hump and pump for a full hour without breaking a bead of sweat, and then continue pumping another maiden right after.
For the guys’ side, we all know women don’t scream, talk dirty and moan like that. Or do they?
Well, regardless of how your gal screams, porn is like any movie - they are distorted (or elongated) versions of the truth. Based on that, I think our politicians would then be qualified to be among the top porn stars.
Each time our petrol prices soar through the roof, they said we still have the cheapest energy costs in the region, comparing us to our tiny neighbor down south. Never mind the fact that Singapore is a country that imports 100% of their petroleum needs, and that we are a net exporter of oil, they brandished about elegant charts, graphs and presentation sheets to show you they meant serious business in fact spinning.
Once, the KPI Minister that reports to another KPI Minister (this one belakang mari punya - backdoor minister, we call it), said we are going bankrupt soon. The very next day, the country’s leaders came out en mass and said it was just hot air. One of them is lying for sure.
Not too long after, the same KPI minister said the no rakyat’s money is going to be used to pay for the setting up of Hotmail* for all Malaysians. Soon, it was made known that government agencies have to pay RM 0.50 for EACH email sent. If government agencies’ money isn’t rakyat’s money, then where is the cash going to come from? Somebody is lying again.
When certain politicians said the RM1.6B cost of building the 100-storey dong is a private initiative, with money coming from Permodalan Nasional Berhad, that’s elongating the truth beyond anything recognizable. PNB’s money is the rakyat’s money. More lies, more porn.
*Okay, it was not Hotmail. It was email powered by Hotmail. Yes, the FREE Hotmail from Microsoft.
8. Porn is about holes
Or orifices, if you want to be politically correct. More accurately, porn is about the action of filling up bodily orifices. And in the case of gangbangs, you try to fill up more than one at any given moment.
Our politicians have a heck load of holes to fill up too. There are holes in their stories, holes in their half past 6 policies, holes in their bank accounts and holes in their measures.
Recently, they want to bring back the 1-cent coins after taking if off legal tender. That’s one among many flip flop policies our politicians love shoving into our mouths. I wonder what kind of rubbish they are going to use to fill up that policy hole. Remember, each time they have a hole in their policies, we pay for the filling up.
There are huge and wet holes that politicians cannot explain when police detainees spontaneously died, apparently without reason. In some, among numerous cases, they did try to enlighten the public that they were caused by "water in lungs". That sort of justification for the lost of lives is porn-like - just a big hole.
Because of our subsidies to Independent Power Producers (IPP), we have a RM8.1 Billion hole in the budget. Next annual hole that we have to plug is the RM28 Billion lost due to corruption, and the total RM100 Billion over the last 3 decades or so.
Everett Dirksen once said, "A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money."
Those are real money of the people, and real holes that we need to collectively cork. Not tomorrow, not next year, but right NOW.
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Some Malaysian politics and politicians are like porn. They are dirty, corrupted and occasionally funny to watch. Sometimes I do wonder why we are paying RM70 Million a year to APCO to be our Public Relations firm, when perhaps Vivid Entertaintment would do a much better spinning job?
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LEON LEE is a proud pendatang in his own country Malaysia and tweets as @LeonLeeBMG
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